My version of 50 Shades

My family and I just returned from Great Wolf Lodge.  If you don’t know what that is, it’s a giant indoor water park/hotel/arcade that is designed so that literally everything is kid friendly. From the restaurants, to the lobby, to the hallways of the hotel.  One big giant ass playground.

This trip, thanks to one of the million ‘groupon’ style sites, I splurged and got a two bedroom suite.  I have now concluded this is the ONLY way to travel with a tribe of not yet fully developed humans.  Just lock all the brats in the other room and pretend you don’t hear a thing.  Screw the neighbors-its a kids hotel anyhow, they just need to deal with the ridiculous volume of screaming coming from behind our door and walls.

Normally I am equipped to handle the pure joy of traveling and entertaining my family.  Normally I can plaster on the smile, take my extra vitamin C, use my cheerful voice, rally the troops and create memories for the monsters to remember in the future.

Normally I am NOT on a 30 day challenge that includes NO alcohol for a f*&$ing family trip. Cause let’s be honest…with the vitamin C is a bit of vodka.  But noooo, not on THIS trip.

AND, on this trip I didn’t have my 18-year-old to partner with the 11-year-old.  Well hell, sorry 11-year-old, you are on your own.  Ya never mind what I always say about being abducted…just kick and scream REALLY REALLY loud.

Isn’t it super awesome that also on this trip the two-year old AND the three-year old found, loved, and dedicated their entire water outing to the slides in the kiddie pool area?

This would be wonderful, probably, if I had a cocktail in hand whilst they played away. Or, perhaps, one in each hand.

**Listen folks….I NEVER, EVER said I wasn’t an alcoholic, so you go right ahead and put away your judgement hats that include phrases like, “sheesh the woman can’t even spend a day with her kids without drinking”…  “water park? Sounds wonderful..what is wrong with this lady”… What is wrong with me?  I AM A VICTIM OF A LIFE PRANK WHERE I ENDED UP BEING A MOTHER OF FOUR THAT ISN’T DRINKING ON A FAMILY FREAKING TRIP.**

Scenario:

I am at the bottom of the slide making sure that when the girls come down the slide they don’t submerge and drown…at least for too long…and I walk them back to the bottom of the stairs.

My husband is at the bottom of the stairs and he wrangles them up the stairs and makes sure they start off in the right position heading down the slide (not our fault they end up upside down, sideways or backwards).

Again.

Bottom of slide.  To stairs.  Back to bottom of slide.

Stairs.  Up to the slide.  Down the slide.

Bottom.  Stairs. Slide.

Stairs.  Top.  Down.

Bottom.

Stairs.

Slide.

Down.

Up.

FIFTY F*&^%$ TIMES.

Fifty times I smiled at their precious faces as they slid down.

Fifty times I caught them as they giggled sweetly.

Fifty times I gave high fives. After I plucked them, asses first, from drowning in the water.

Fifty times I walked.  Back and forth.  Back and forth.  Back and forth.

Fifty times I grabbed the two-year old before she tried to head back UP the slide. So that she could be plowed in the head by the next child.  While the 12-year-old ‘life guard’ yelled at us to get her off the bottom of the slide.  “no shit sherlock, what the hell does it look like I am doing?”

Fifty times I watched OTHER parents smile, most sincerely, at their own children.  With cocktails in hand.

Fifty times.

FIFTY F*&%ing times.

Fifty times I thought, “yay, this is exactly what I pictured as a fun day”.

Fifty times I prayed, “what the hell was I thinking starting this no alcohol challenge TODAY?!”

Fifty times I watched my husbands face as he went up and down the stairs..wondering if he was thinking the same thing as me.

Let me quickly note, that right before we headed down to this ecstasy party, I had read a blog post, by I-don’t-give-a-hell-cause-we-will-never-be-friends, that talked about how wonderful it was to be a mother.  And I started reading several (SEVERAL) comments under the post agreeing.  One in particular stuck with me, “If I could have twenty kids I would!  I ABSOLUTELY LOVE EVERYTHING about being a mom!”.

WHAT THE F*&% IS WRONG WITH ME!?At this stage of motherhood I love VERY LITTLE about being a mom.  Like sleep.  I love when they sleep. Errrr…when they are quiet. I love when they are quiet.

Oh OK, I do love it when they laugh, giggle, play nicely, hug and kiss me and listen to my words. BUT WHEN THE HELL DOES THAT HAPPEN?

At least…they WERE laughing and giggling on the water slide.  While I played go fetch.

Fifty times.

So amidst my 50 Shades of water-logged-fanfuckingtastic-joyed moments, all I could think of was, “This would be so much funner (yes FUNNER) with a beverage in hand and a better attitude.  Or let’s be honest, I just stink at this parenthood thing, cause those LOVELY MOTHERS commenting on the blog post would be in PURE FREAKING HEAVEN right now”.

Crap. I suck.

Cheers….. (in 27 more days)!